Dear fanfiction writers
by Dewy eyes
Summary: This has been done before, many times, many ways, many fandoms. However, the Enterprise crew still needs to get their two cents in somewhere. This is from a strict canon interpretation. Don't like, don't read. Rating for language.
1. In which Jim insists he is not in love

_I really should not be starting another fic. I have too many going on already. But here I am__, posting this thing. *sigh* Anyhoo, I can't take credit for this idea, and I honestly don't know who to credit, seeing as various people credit various other people who actually haven't started the trend but WHATEVER. Credit wherever credit is due. _

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Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I don't care what shit went down in the other universe. I am NOT in love with Spock.

Sincerely,

James T. Kirk

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Dear fanfiction writers,

I'm not in love with Bones either. Geez, does anyone understand what *friendship* is?!

Sincerely,

James T. Kirk

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Dear fanfiction writers,

Uhura is not the devil incarnate. She may have spurned me at the Academy, and I appreciate those who are sticking up for me, but that is no excuse to be ugly about it. And she is NOT "obstructing" any sort of romance between me and Spock!

Sincerely,

James T. Kirk

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Dear fanfiction writers,

Making Spock female does not change anything! Besides, do you know how awkward that is?

Sincerely,

James T. Kirk

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Dear fanfiction writers,

As hilarious as it is, making Bones a girl doesn't promote romantic feelings towards him. Or her. Whatever.

Sincerely,

James T. Kirk

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Dear fanfiction writers,

OH MY FREAKING GOD. IF I WAKE UP AS A WOMAN ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR I WILL KILL SOMEONE.

Sincerely,

James T. Kirk


	2. In which technobabble makes no sense

To whom it may concern:

The Enterprise has detected a link between recent unexplained phenomena and this particular website. It is unknown at this time how far reaching the effects may become; thus, it is prudent to attempt communication, as my captain has already done. Among these unexplained phenomena are many occurrences, some of which my captain has already expounded upon and some of which will follow in communiques from various crew members. As of yet, two-way communication is impossible; however, it is in the process of being developed.

Lieutenant Commander S'chn T'gai Spock

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Dear fanfiction writers,

I told the hobgoblin all that gobbledygook wasn't helpful, so instead of letting me edit his work he told me to write my own letter. So, here. The gist of it is that whatever you all post on here, it ends up affecting our lives. We're trying to figure out how and why, but so far we've got nothing. Until then, I've just got a few general requests for the meantime:

\- Jim's already a hormonal bastard without having to deal with PMS.

\- What's with all the random people popping up in our universe? Especially because most of then are useless twenty-first century teenage girls who think they can go on every away mission to Planet X and diplomatic parlay with the Klingons. It's getting annoying.

\- Jim gets in enough trouble without you guys giving him more ideas. The next time he pulls a prank, I'm blaming you all.

\- For God's sake, leave torture out of it! I've had to fix up Jim more times than I can count, and lately Chekov's gotten just as much of the blow. Seriously.

Leonard McCoy

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Dear fanfiction writers,

If you don't know Klingon, don't use it. We end up in too many firefights as it is.

Thanks,

Nyota Uhura

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Dear fanfiction writers,

If you don't know what it's called, please don't make up something! I can't understand half of what the captain or Mr. Spock are saying half the time anyway.

M. Scott

P.S. And keep Keenser outta the machinery! He's gonna fall into the warp core or something one of these days.


	3. In which Chekov rants and Keenser doesnt

Dear fanfiction writers,

I'm not dating Pavel. That would be weird. And it's even weirder to randomly have some metaphysical impulse to kiss him. Seriously, stop it. It's beginning to freak me out.

Lt. Hikaru Sulu

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Dear fanfiction writers,

I am very tired of being made fun of by random people on the ship, suddenly finding out I have a dark past, being tortured, being approached by strange teenage girls who expect me to immediately make out with them, having such a strong accent that I cannot understand myself, being abducted by terrorists, being cute, Sulu and/or the captain being uncharacteristically overprotective, being a maladjusted genius, and being a little innocent kid.

I am seventeen, not four. If I made it through Starfleet Academy, the attack on Vulcan, and the incident with Khan, I would think I can take care of myself for the most part.

Thank you for your consideration,

Pavel Chekov

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Not stupid. Just quiet.

Keenser

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Dear fanfiction writers,

I suppose I ought to consider myself lucky that I have been left alone for the most part. However, it is rather annoying to occasionally disappear entirely from the memories and perceptions of my crewmates. If this could be remedied, please?

— Carol Marcus


	4. In which redshirts are actually hardcore

Dear fanfiction writers,

I'm an Orion, not a whore. There's a difference.

~ Gaila

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Fanfiction writers:

Last I checked I was dead.

Pike

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I am not your sex toy. Nor will I make you an Augment. Nor will I make Kirk or Dr. Marcus or any other members of Starfleet an Augment. It is much more likely I will be inclined to crush your irritating skull.

Khan

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Dear fanfiction writers,

I would appreciate it if my security teams would return once in a while. They have extensive training. I know the captain is a scrappy fighter, but it's not very likely for him to be the only one coming back from an away team every time without some outside influence.

Giotto "Cupcake" Hendroff

P.S. Thanks for the name.

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Dear fanfiction writers,

There are very few reasons why James Kirk or my counterpart would contact me, and even fewer reasons I would spend time on board. Needless to say, finding myself aboard as often as I have lately is disturbing to say the least. While tribulation could be a natural outcome of the situation, I have deemed it much more likely this site is part of the reason. As such, I would like to 'request a fic' as you say: a story about the crew of the Enterprise spending much of their time in rest and relaxation. Perhaps this will counterbalance some of the more drastic effects of the situation.

Regards,

Spock Prime


End file.
